Oh, No! What have you done?

OK

I get it. When a blogger I am following does not publish in a while, I wonder....."What happened?" I see it has been a day or two since my nimble fingers have graced the keyboard to memorialize my wit and wisdom. Looks like life happens, or in some cases, death happens, I suppose. I my case, it was life. This time......

Sometimes I choose to review the things I have done in my life. Some of these things are accomplishments, personal or professional, and of many of these, I am justly proud. Others may be better described as 'deeds' heroic or foul, for there are both in my resume. But I do reflect on them as they come to mind.

Here is an interesting 'life experience.' I shared a meal with a murderess. This was shortly before she added that particular chapter to her book. I listened to her rant about her victim, and no, she did not threaten to commit the crime in my presence, but she did express, in no uncertain terms, her hatred for this person.

When her rage and insanity finally overcame whatever tattered shreds of civility, responsibility and common sense she possessed, she did commit a deed most foul. Death was not enough; she sought to inflict pain, and I think if she could have killed her victim several times, she would have.

She was not stupid or ignorant. In fact, I believe she believed she would not be caught because she knew she was so much smarter than the cops. She wasn't. Besides being the prime suspect from the start, she left a trail of evidence Helen Keller could have followed.

Caught, she was. Convicted, as well. Committed only one murder, but the land is littered with victims.

Brave Old World

Well. I am close to the end. Haven't hurried because I kinda have to work on her schedule, and I was reading something else simultaneously.

It would be easy to focus on all the ways Hux missed the boat, but the really frightening thing is how much he got right. Funny thing.....as far as critical thinking goes......our technology has improved, no doubt, but if anything, our thinking has barely improved, if at all.

If you have never read the book, or if it has been so long you've forgotten, visit the library and dip in to this story again. In fact, re-read all the stuff you read as a kid. Sure, the books are the same, but you aren't. What you take from them will be worlds apart from the first time.

Spring has sprung, and I feel the searing breath of Summer over my shoulder. For the first time in my life, I am wondering just how many more Springs or Summers I'll greet from the lighter side of the air/dirt interface. Guess I better enjoy them all.

I'm still struggling with my Sudoku addiction. I have a puzzle book in the can, and start puzzling as soon as I sit. Big Problem. I forget the business I set down to do, and get all involved in swirling numbers. Before I know it, an hour has gone by, I'm late to work, and well on my way to developing sudokuroids. Is there a chapter of Sudokuholics Anonymous anywhere?

The Huxter

I first read (then promptly mostly forgot) Brave New World, as did many of us, in high school. Now I am reading it again because someone I care about is doing an assignment which includes discussion after each chapter, and I am honored to be, once again, the discussor du jour.

It is amazing what a couple of miles in the log book will do to ones' perspective. It is also interesting to note how different the view is from behind her eyeballs. Even though I was about the same the same age when I initially read Mr. Huxley's most famous work, her cognitions are wrapped around social injustice, political correctness and child abuse; I was just looking for the next dirty part. Yep, I was typically shallow then....probably still am.

The fascinating bit is that today, more than ever before, we actually have the technology to make Hux's nightmare a reality, and to do so with much greater finesse than he imagined back in the early 30's(?!?) No need to partially poison foetuses to make Gammas or Epsilons, just a judicious nip here and a tuck there on the old DNA helix, and voila! And throw out the incubators; I'm sure OctoMom would love to help populate the Castes.

Turns out we didn't need the hypnopaedia, either. Television does the job quite nicely, and ever since it became the 'babysitter of choice,' we have simply handed over the indoctrination of our children to the kind folks on the far side of the screen. Surely they have no agenda. And what they miss, our schools cover. We seldom teach the kids to think. Just so they pass the friggin' test and make the numbers look good.

And talk about engineering for continuous consumption. Think of all the things we spend money on now that simply cannot be repaired. Cell phone broke? Can't really fix it, and a new one will toast bagels for the same price! (Speaking of cell phones, what ever happened to the concern over brain cancer? Was that resolved in our favor? Or did profit possibilities tip the scales?)

I could make a list of 'throw away' consumer products, but it would be obsolete before it was complete, right?

You know the old saying, "It's not bragging if you can do it"? Well, it's not far-out fantasy and science fiction if it's happening!

Let's Cut Some Slack

I have a friend who is struggling. She is dealing with an irrational mate. I have a child who is struggling. Also dealing with an irrational mate. I struggle. Dealing with a sometimes irrational spouse. And irrational children....and irrational parents. We won't even mention the in-laws, after all, we expect such from them.

C'mon, people! Everyone is a bit daft. Some are just better at hiding it than others, that's all. Rather than be in a snit, why not enjoy the bizarre behavior of in-laws. Particularly if they live across the country. Long range free entertainment. Aren't we glad we live here and they live there?

Same thing with the Internet. I'm sure you've seen the acid filled comments made from behind the security of a keyboard. Just know that some people are rabid. Move on.

I have someone who is quite close to me who seems on occasion to be more porcupine than human. Prickly, ya know? It's a damn shame too. Actually a very good person, but gonna be lonely for a long time.....

Like I said, we are all crazy, just different flavors. Most of them are interesting and fortunately only a few are really harmful. They get more press than they deserve.

When it's the one you love who is acting nuts, it can be hard, or scary, or funny, or sad, or some combination of all these and many others. Believe me. I know. The most common feeling is one of helplessness. Particularly if they are really crazy crazy. Sometimes all you can do is hang on. Remember, though, as funny as it might seem to you, it is reality for them.

Of course, maybe they are just trying survive your insanity.

Secretary

I saw the movie 'Secretary' again. The first time was on broadcast TV; the last time was on DVD. I am fascinated by this movie. I have never been in to S & M, and I don't think I ever will be, but this film caught my attention in a most peculiar way. Both Mr. Spader and Ms. Gyllenhaal gave incredible performances and treated the subject matter with delicacy and taste, while preserving the basically erotic nature of the film.

I think it opened my eyes to alternative sexualities, not specifically for me (although the good Lord knows I have my moments), but for people in general. We are all just trying to find a bit of happiness, aren't we? So many of us are dragging around our emotional baggage on extended guilt trips booked for us by parents, preachers and pundits; trying to live up to other peoples expectations, sometimes openly and defiantly, sometimes furtively and in shame.

Occasionally I am overwhelmed by sadness, watching people struggle to be happy. It just shouldn't be so hard. I see people making choices that end up leaving them miserable, or worse. Several years ago, I supported myself driving a Taxi. One evening, I had an interesting fare, a Mexican T-Girl. She had me take her to her home. We were followed by a car containing a young man who loved her when he was drunk. She was just trying to get away from him. I don't know how that evening worked out, but about two years later, a body was found in a local, and very seedy, hotel. It was the T-Girl, probably done in by some fella who couldn't handle the surprise. Sad.

Some folks think that living an 'alternative' lifestyle is a way of expanding one's horizons. I wonder if, in all actuality, it really isn't a result of trying to block out the past, or avoid a repeat of it?

The GOD Thing

People are funny about God.


You have seen most of them somewhere, sometime; I won't bore you with their descriptions.


I used to sweat the issue. When I was a child, God and Santa Claus were about on the same plane. Kinda 'out there' and maybe I believed and maybe I didn't and maybe it didn't make any difference.


Later, in High School, I attended a Christian school, Assemblies of God, to be exact. Great people, extremely caring, but very dogmatic. Many of my classmates spoke of accepting Jesus and having a 'White Light' type of experience. Basking in the warmth and glow of their salvation, and secure in the knowledge and love of their Creator.


I wanted that so bad. I closed my eyes and prayed and begged the Lord to come in to my life the way I had heard so many people describe. Nothing. Not a Blessed Thing. I'd listen and look and feel and taste and wait. Whoops what was that? Is it beginning? Nope. Just gas. Bottom line, no 'White Light' for me. Bummer.


So what did that mean, anyway? Was I too awful for God to take? I read in the Bible that he forgave the worst sinners, so what was up? Was I not sincere enough in my repentance? Was my sin so bad that even God wouldn't have me? Was there no God? Was all the talk of being saved just a bunch of lies; a vast conspiracy of people who were all afraid to tell one another that it didn't work for them either? I found it hard to believe then, and I still do find it hard to believe that every one who shared their experience with me was lying. All I really know is that it didn't work then and it hasn't happened since.


So did I give up on God? I guess for a while I did. As a young adult, on my own, I did not attend church. I did not hang out with people that did. When I visited home I would go to church with my parents to please them, not to feed my spirit. I came to believe that I was in control of my destiny, and that those who professed a faith were weak and afraid of living....and afraid of death. I married a woman from a family of non-believers, and raised my son without benefit of Christian influence. (Aside to Self....Just realized he has never been Baptised. Gotta fix that!) Well crap, that gives away the ending a bit now, doesn't it!


That marriage failed. Marriage number two was to a woman of faith, although why she married my heathen butt is still beyond me. She must have been slumming that day. She tried mightily to bring me back to the Lord, but alas, without success, and two children later that marriage also disintegrated. The wife did her best to impose her vision of proper religousity on the kids, with mixed results.


Later still, I began dating the woman who would eventually prove to be foolish enough to accept my third proposal. She was also a woman of faith, but of a brand which is more closely aligned with the religion of my earliest years. I began to attend her church with her. I'd like to be able to tell you that the Preacher there so moved me that I saw the error of my ways and finally came to Jesus, but that didn't happen.


I finally found a spirituality, a solid belief outside of an organised and recognized religion. One that is portable in that I can take it inside a Baptist Church or visit the Catholics, the Lutherans, the Presbyterians, even back to the Pentecostals and be just fine.


The biggest part of my discovery involved being willing to let go and let myself be subject to God's will. Some of you are saying, "OK, here comes the old bullshit," but I ask you to bear with me here a piece. Maybe you can find something in what I say that works for you.

I have heard all the arguments, pro and con. The only response I have is that when it comes to arguing something as intangible as faith and spirituality, there are no right or wrong answers. Some of my friends argue that science refutes religion, or that evolution and creationism are mutually exclusive. I believe in God but I have no problem with evolution. I believe it is one of His finest tools. Others are afraid that science will learn God's secrets, but I believe that God gave us the ability to understand these mysteries for a Divine Purpose, and that it is OK. Six hundred years ago, celestial navigation was a total mystery to most people. It really is all relative.


I didn't come to my peace with God willingly, so to speak. I was totally bought in to being the boss of my own life. I was large and in charge. Then one day I discovered that playing by my rules alone hurt everyone else around me and made me feel so terrible that for the first time in my life I probably prayed the most sincere prayer I have ever prayed. Fortunately for me, God chose not to grant my wish to die.(There are several blogs inside this paragraph, waiting to be freed)


In order for me to move on with my life, it was suggested that God would be my answer. I was so depressed and soul sick that I didn't even have the energy to object. If this was a way out of my misery, I was willing to try. I was told to pray only for God to show me His/Her will for my life, and the power to carry that will out. I scrupulously avoided asking for God to fix my life or repair my relationships. I was willing to accept whatever came.


Slowly the pieces of my life began to fall into place again. I expanded my prayers to include thanking God for the blessings in my life, and asking for His/Her help in dealing with the other problems I faced. Again, I did not pray for a specific outcome, only for Divine Assistance in solving my problems and dealing with my own issues. I can only judge the effectiveness of my prayers, and the existence of God, by the results I observe in my own life.

I know this is getting a bit long, but it is important.

Here are my rules for prayer:

• Don't pray for stuff. Asking God for a big screen TV is wasting His time and yours.
• Don't pray for a specific outcome, but rather the strength and courage to handle life as it comes.
• Do pray for others. Ask God to watch over them.
• Thank God for His blessings. Ask Him to help you use the Gifts He gave you for His glory.
• Pray every day.
• If your faith or your belief is weak, ask Him to strengthen you.
• If you feel that it is difficult for you to trust and to be willing to give your will to Him, pray to be made willing.

You only need the tiniest bit of faith to begin.

Pray.

Trust in God.

Pray some more.

I have a very good friend. He and I are almost the same age, and we share many of the same life experiences. The biggest difference now is that I have a faith in God and he takes Prozac. There is a place inside each of us that needs to believe in something bigger than ourselves.

Don't test God. If you insist that God prove that He exists to you personally, you may be waiting a very long time. That was my mistake long ago. I wanted God, but only on my terms. It doesn't work like that. Can't hurt to try now, can it?

Which Way Did He Go?

I am reading a book called 'In Code' written by a young Irish lass who has been taken by numbers and ciphers. She has fallen head over heels in love with mathematics and cryptography. She has not only won academic awards but conceived and executed a book which is both educational and very readable. She illustrates yet again that the sciences are not the sole province of males. Humbling too, to read her definition of a common math term and say to myself, "Oh. That's what that means!" Anyway, her name is Sarah Flannery, and the book is worth a read.

I really enjoy the company of women who challenge the common notions of gender based careers and roles. Their perspective is usually quite refreshing when compared with that of the average male who perhaps is following a given course because that is what he is supposed to do. Unfortunately, these women are few and far between. And, I am specifically referring to the technical types. Businesswomen seem to me to fall into an entirely different category. Often it seems more like a power trip or a desire to prove something to somebody, than a genuine love of science, or math, or fill in the blank.

I have had a number of flight instructors over the years as I pursued various ratings. Some were much better than others. One was a woman. She may or may not have been a better pilot than the men, but she was different in one very important way. I never saw her try to bully the aircraft. Her touch on the controls was sure and deft but also gentler, as though she were coaxing the craft to do her bidding. She taught me to be a patient and understanding pilot. That does not mean to fail to take decisive action when required, but to stay far enough ahead of the airplane to avoid having to display my awesome skills any more than necessary. After all, it wouldn't do to run out of airspeed, altitude, lift and talent all at the same time, now, would it?

Come to think of it, I believe I enjoy the company of females more than the company of males, at least in a one-on-one situation. I currently live with three members from the distaff branch of humanity and it works most of the time. Once in a while I feel as though I am treading water in a sea of estrogen and just barely keeping my head above the surface at that, but most often it is cool.

One thing I have noticed, or think I have, is that most women operate at a much greater intensity level than men. For a lot of guys, the career is what they do between beers, or between conquests. Many women, on the other hand, become so involved, so focused on their objectives that they have difficulty leaving the job at work. I have seen example after example where there is no contest when comparing the performance of men and women in the exact same jobs. The gals kick ass.

Where they often fail is with relationships.

They can have trouble balancing the needs of spouses, parents, kids, and work. They feel like they have to do it all, but God only gave us 24 hours in a day. Something always suffers, and the woman will feel guilty about her 'failings' when she notices. The people around her, though will be reluctant to tell her. She gives so much, so much of the time, she will just try in vain to cram in more if you do. Guys, on the other hand, are selfish enough to say 'The Hell with it, I've done enough today!" and go get that beer.

Ah, the Hell with it, I've done enough today!