Why Do I Do What I Do?

 
Back in my drinking days, I didn't have to think a lot, which was a good thing, because I wasn't awfully good at it. What I was pretty good at was being a victim. In fact I was a specialist.

I was a victim of people and I was a victim of my alcoholism. I believe that many people not only live in their victimhood (is this a word?), but they are more than comfortable there.

The great appeal of victim status for me was that I had a built in excuse. It it was always someone or something else's fault. I could do what I wanted, when I wanted and blame my behavior on my alcoholism. I would whine about my situation, but how could I change if everything was someone else's fault?

In fact, this became a major hurdle to my sobriety. I had to acknowledge the truth of my dependence on my victimage (there I go, making up words again!), and come to terms with life without this particular crutch. I didn't cross that bar willingly. There is a lot to accept; a lot to relearn, and it didn't happen overnight.

The biggest step was coming to terms with my own personal responsibility. Understanding that my behavior is my choice.....and my responsibility. That doesn't limit what I do, but it does mean that I have to do it with my eyes wide open. That is the best way to live life in any case, so it works out.

The other side of the coin is just as important to me. When I was a victim, I was a victim. I know that sounds stupid, but think about it. A victim is someone that stuff happens to. The victim of a car crash or a disease, the victims of a natural disaster or victims of the economic downturn; all are people that things happen to. Things that are beyond their control. If an alcoholic loses a job or trashes her car in a drunken stupor, she is a victim of her alcoholism, and as long as that condition persists she is unable to do anything about it. She is without control over the situation.

Give up the alcoholism and the victim status that goes with it, and you gain the ability to make it different...the ability to change...you get your life back. Maybe you don't get your job, or your car back, but you get the chance to make changes in the things you do have control over.

That's where I'm at today. I'm not always sure where I am going, but I don't do things I don't want to do, and the things I do, I do with my eyes wide open, and I understand that I am responsible for doing them.

I don't know what life will bring, but I intend to live and love every minute of it, and I hope I am completely used up and worn out out the end. After all, wouldn't it be a shame to park it for the last time with 30,000 miles left on the tires?