Who Are You? Who who...Who who...?

A couple of days ago I was reading my horoscope and it mentioned reflecting on the person I used to be, and the danger of seeing that person through the flattering lens of time. The danger, of course, is failing to enjoy today while longing for yesterday

It got me thinking about whether or not I have changed. I guess I could say that everybody changes, and it is certainly true that my body has changed, but at some level do we really ever change? If I am an ass, am I destined to always be an ass? Or if I am a push-over, will I always have round heels? If I am an Angel, will I never screw up? I'm pretty sure that if you are good, you will still make mistakes and if you are rotten, you will occasionally do something nice, even if it is only accidentally.

Someone much smarter than I once told me, if you squeeze an orange, you always get orange juice. It doesn't matter how you squeeze it, or within limits even when you squeeze it, what comes out under pressure is still orange juice. I guess what I am saying is that we can change our behavior if we are motivated to do so, but I'm not sure that we can change who we really are on a fundamental level.

So then are we our behavior? That is what people see. In fact that really all they can see. Maybe you've seen these people? You know the ones I mean...the mom talking to another mom in the market...all smiles and happy faces...until their child does something that gets moms goat, and in a heartbeat, eyes flash, teeth are bared, and threats are delivered in a harsh whisper. Then a quick turn back to the friend and a quick turn back into the pleasant woman who disappeared so quickly just a moment before. Who is that mom? Is she the gay social butterfly or the wicked  mother jerking the choke collar tight? I don't know. Maybe we are the person who we are most of the time. Or maybe we default to the very best or worst we have ever been. Is your glass half empty or half full?

I do know that sometimes I surprise myself with my behavior. Sometimes my response seems all out of alignment with the situation I'm responding to, and I wonder who I am. I think I know who I want to be, and I believe that agrees pretty well with who I really am, whoever that is today. But still there are times when I look back and wish I had responded differently in a given situation. I've actually stopped and said to myself, "Wait, that's not me!" Once, when I was taking my young son to a hockey game, a guard offered to let us in through a side door at a steep discount. What went through my mind was the fact that I had almost zero disposable income in those days and his offer meant that I could buy popcorn and a soda (at the hideously inflated prices - but that is another blog) for me and my son. I accepted his offer. Almost immediately, I was overwhelmed with guilt, and sat there wondering what sort of a dad I was, setting such a terrible example for my son. So who am I? The low-life who conspired with a crooked authority? Or the guilt-ridden dad concerned for the well being of his child? I believe the latter, and I know I learned an important lesson that day.  My son? He has grown into a fine and honest man of whom I am deservedly proud.

Can we define a situation that is an environment in which we can be positive that the person we are in that situation is 'who we really are'? The best one I can think of is 'What do you do when you believe that no one will ever find out what you are doing'. That's kinda the same as 'What do you do when no one is looking?', although today that may not exist, and might not ever exist again. I saw a T-shirt last summer that said, "What happens in Vegas stays on You Tube and Facebook forever." True that!

A question came up a while back. If you do something while you are drunk that you wouldn't do sober, is it the drink's fault, or did the alcohol simply lower your inhibitions and allow you do behave as you really wanted to all along? The phrase 'In vino veritas'(In wine there is truth) has its complements across languages, centuries and cultures, however this phrase specifically references spoken words as opposed to actions. Surely secrets are more likely to slip through wine lubricated lips, but does this beg the question? Are we really only who we are when we are drunk? Personally, I think not.We are who we really are drunk or not...just a lot stupider when drunk....

I was a conservative in my youth because my father was a conservative. I became a liberal in college because the girls I wanted to sleep with were liberals. At some point I realized that my belief system included the notion that I should be rewarded in measure equal to the effort I was willing to expend. This seemed to fit conservative philosophy better than liberalism, so I switched back. While we are on the subject, have you ever noticed that the people who work the hardest often are rewarded the least? The man or woman who sweats in the sun, digging a ditch for our sewer, or picking food from a field for our tables...really back breaking work...these folks are among the poorest paid members of our society. And at the same time a man who plays a professional sport for 2 or 3 hours a day, four months out of the year, may make more money in a single year than a whole field full of pickers will earn in their lifetimes. Yeah, yeah, I know...the 'best of the best'..yadda yadda...what about the best of the best tomato picker? Guess he picked the wrong job, right? Go figure.....

Anyway, I do believe I am still the same person I used to be and for the most part I am happy with who that person is. The body is a little(?) worse for wear. I have learned a lot through the years. The moments I treasure have changed, the things that are important to me have changed. The way I see the world around me has changed. Does this mean I am a different person?

I used to drink to excess every day. Was I the person who drank too much? Or was my drinking masking the real me?  Maybe the real me is different every day. Perhaps 'me' is one thing, and "me + alcohol' = something else entirely.

Do you respond differently depending on who you are with? Are you one person when you are with your parents and another person when with your kids? Maybe you are someone else at work or at school? Ever try different behaviors? I always wondered about actors...if they are so good at portraying others, how can you ever know who they really are? I do think that who I am around has a strong influence on which parts of me I want to take out and live. I also believe that what I choose to feed my mind makes a difference. The phrase 'Garbage in, Garbage out' may have been coined for the computer age, but it has never been more important than in relation to our minds and spirits.

Another question came to mind. I asked myself  why I was blogging in the first place. What is my goal?
I decided that I blog because I like writing, because it helps me to organize my thoughts and feelings, and because I find something quite cathartic in seeing my ideas in black and white. Oh...yeah...and because I feel like I don't communicate very well verbally. This gives me the chance to take as many Mulligans as I need to beat the words into submission before I click 'Post.' Wait....that means I have no excuse for poor writing...Crap!